elegant aspirations

As many of you already know, I have a complicated relationship with mathematics. This stems from the time I was eleven and regularly shamed in front of the class by a math teacher who had the misguided idea that having me stand on the desk when I didn’t know the square root of anything would somehow shame me into understanding the formula. To this day, my palms sweat if I’m asked to add anything more complex than two plus two.

Shame is one of our most intense and painful emotions, and it has shaped our world since its inception. Feelings of shame make us hang our heads and skulk away, hoping to fade into the background. The energy fueling these feelings is the lowest of all emotions, as shame often leads to rejection. Being ignored, ostracized, or banished can feel like a physical death because we only thrive when we’re connected. 

Anthropologists suggest that shame may have evolved to strengthen social bonds, which are essential for survival in early human societies. If you did something unacceptable to your tribe, you would be cast out.

Although not every religion mentions shame, related concepts, such as morality, consequences of actions, and expectations for social conformity, are common to many religions. For example, in the biblical account of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, shame is one of the first consequences of disobedience. After eating the forbidden fruit, they become ashamed of their nakedness and attempt to hide themselves, overwhelmed by the sense of exposure.

Shame is also a central theme in early Greek philosophy as well as in the Homeric Epics. In The Iliad, for instance, the protagonists Hector and Agamemnon are motivated by the desire for glory, while shame is what they fear most because a warrior’s worth was determined by earning honor through brave deeds that protected the tribe while avoiding the disgrace of cowardice.

Throughout human history, the fear of being shamed has been a powerful force that underpins much of our behavior, from positive effects, such as choosing the moral high ground or acting as a deterrent to immoral behavior, to the adverse impacts, including exploitation by groups or individuals to divide, conquer, and control.  

There was a time when a public figure caught with their hand in the cookie jar would resign following a public apology. This often led to paying “penance” for the slip. A famous example is the notorious Profumo affair in Britain during the early 1960s. It involved the Secretary of State for War, John Profumo, and his affair with a 19-year-old model, Christine Keeler, who had ties to a Russian spy. The scandal came to represent what many regarded as the moral decay among Britain’s upper class, ultimately leading to the downfall of the government. The shame led Profumo to devote the rest of his life to charity, for which he was recognized with a CBE by Queen Elizabeth II in 1975. 

Throughout history, people have been shamed for religious affiliation, financial status, skin color, heritage, cultural beliefs, sexual preference, sexual abuse, and so on. Wherever there are perceived differences and something to be gained, there you will find the weaponization of shame.

Fast forward, and we are in a different world. Many are opportunistically disregarding the moral consequences of shame while simultaneously continuing to weaponize it. This raises the question: What does this shift mean for our society? It’s a quaint idea, but not so long ago, it would have been shameful to be caught lying, stealing, cheating, or betraying others. Today, such open abuses of power are casually shrugged off, and the blame is shifted. When the fear of being shamed no longer exists, qualities such as courage, integrity, discernment, reliability, honor, selflessness, and service become less evident. The normalization of shamelessness, currently eroding political and societal norms, is posing a significant danger.

That said, it is also essential to acknowledge that there is one significant upside in today’s evolving relationship with shame. Many who have been victims of shame abuse are now empowered and making their voices heard, such as victims of sexual and institutional abuse.

So, how did we arrive at this point? For the first time in human evolution, we have become overly empowered, with people so detached from the realities of human frailties that they casually disregard our reliance on each other and our planet for survival. Many, emboldened by technology and complete detachment from moral accountability, operate under the illusion that the universe exists to serve them. As a result, conscience becomes irrelevant, and social structures begin to erode. With shame diminished as a guiding force, we risk losing the very ideals that have historically empowered the positive advancements we have made.

Our challenge now lies with every one of us in thoughtfully navigating this complex landscape to promote a peaceful and just future. In these volatile and polarizing days, it can be tempting to join the “shame game”, but this will only add to the problem. When we shame someone, we inadvertently empower the shameless because we’ve created even more separatism and dark energy. If you want to change someone, shaming won’t work. They will double down, detach, and isolate. If you feel compelled to intervene for the greater good or because their behavior is negatively impacting you, explore creative ways to find common ground while sticking to the facts because you can trust that actions have consequences and the truth will always manifest.

Step into your inner elegant space and examine your feelings of shame. Is someone shaming you to control you, or is your conscience pricking you because you’ve misbehaved? Understanding the origin is a powerful guide for keeping you on the right path because that’s the reason we experience shame. In the words of John Bradshaw, “Our healthy shame is essential as the foundation of our spirituality”, and this foundation creates a more just and peaceful world for all.